Real Advice for Single Mums

There’s no doubt about it – being a parent is hard work, no matter what your circumstances may be.

And while there’s no such thing as a ‘one-size-fits-all’ definition for families, single parents often face added pressure, both emotionally and financially.

As a single mother, you may face tough times and parenting situations that many others don’t have to deal with – and in recognition of the additional challenges faced by single parents, the Department has launched a new resource for families.

The publication Single Mothers: a resource for parenting solo, offers practical tips for single mothers on adjusting to change, looking after yourself, helping your children cope and building positive family relationships.

It’s also a fantastic resource for dads who are going it alone.

In Australia, single parents head up one in five families with children under the age of 15, and 87 per cent of these are single mothers.

Statistics collated by the Parenting Research Centre reveal that single-parent families have 47 per cent less disposable income than coupled families.

It has also been estimated that 25 to 40 per cent of all single mothers have experienced family violence.

The experience of being a single mother is different for everyone – which is why the publication was developed in close consultation with mothers, to address and discuss the real concerns faced by single parents.

It also contains advice and stories from real single mothers in a variety of situations, and practical guidance that mums – and dads – can put to use straightaway.

Extract from Single Mothers: a resource for parenting solo

Your child’s behaviour

Managing your children’s behaviour on your own can be much simpler because you can decide on the rules and stick with them.

What you say goes in your home. But being able to keep up consistent rules and boundaries is hard when you are tired and stressed or your children’s behaviour is particularly testing.

Stress and change can alter everyone’s moods and behaviour, children included. You can expect to see some changes in your child’s behaviour for a while.

The ideas here can help manage your child’s behaviour and encourage positive behaviours.

Catch them being good

Praise good behaviour when you see it. Tell your child what it is that they’re doing that you like. Six positives for every one negative is a good rule of thumb. Children catch on quickly that good deeds get noticed and appreciated.

Rules

Let your children know, clearly and simply, which rules apply when they are in your care. It’s OK for your rules to be different from dad’s – kids can learn that different people have different rules. Agreeing on some rules at a family meeting can be a good first step. This gives everyone a chance to participate and have some ownership over the rules, which then makes it more likely that the kids will follow them.

Consistency

As much as possible, stick with your rules. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you can’t be as consistent as you would like. Just remind yourself to be calm and resist bargaining the next time.

Fairness

Children respond really well with fair rules and fair consequences that match behaviour: for example, taking away a toy for a set time every time they are too rough with it. Try to use the same consequences when your children break the rules – for example, using time out or restricting computer use.

Keep requests to a minimum

Weigh up the importance of what you need your children to do. If it’s not so important, see if you can put it aside for now. Save your instructions for the important and necessary things. This will help you cut down on the number of orders that you give your children and reduce everyone’s stress.

Give choices

Give your child the choice, if there is a choice available. This will also reduce the number of instructions you give your child – and add to the opportunities for your child to behave well.

Consequences

Ask yourself the question: “If my child doesn’t do as I ask now, am I prepared to back it up with a consequence.” If the answer is ‘no’, then consider another alternative.

During times of change, you might also see an increase in behaviours like bad moods and fighting or the return of behaviours from the past. Here are some ideas for handling these periods.

Behaviour from days past

Some children might start doing things they have grown out of, like bedwetting, baby talk, not sleeping, not eating or throwing tantrums. This is a relatively common and short-lived response to stress or major change. If the behaviour does not sort itself out in a few weeks, it might be worth consulting your family doctor or maternal and child health nurse.

Bad moods & fighting

Everyone has bad moods, particularly during times of change. And times of upheaval and change can be triggers for fighting. When kids react with frustration, anger or grumpiness, encourage them to put their feelings into words and show that you are listening and understand. You can acknowledge your children’s feelings or remarks, without accepting any inappropriate behaviour.

For example, you might say, “I understand this makes you angry. I am happy to talk to you when you have calmed down.” If they don’t calm down, make sure you stick to your plan and use the strategies you have in place for such situations. Maintain your rules and boundaries around what behaviour is acceptable though, because your consistency will help your children feel more secure.

 

Parent Update will post extracts from Single Mothers: a resource for parenting solo (PDF - 330Kb) over the next three issues. 

For more information and to download a copy of Single Mothers, visit Single Mothers Resource