Extract from Single Mothers: a Resource for Parenting Solo

Last month, Parent Update announced the launch of a new guide for single-parent families – Single Mothers: a resource for parenting solo.

The publication offers practical tips for single mothers on adjusting to change, looking after yourself, helping your children cope and building positive family relationships.

Parent Update will post extracts from the resource for the next two issues. This month, we take a look at some tips on answering those inevitable tough questions.

Talking about tough stuff

Tough issues often arise at times of change, but they can come up at any time so it’s good to be prepared.

Make time to talk to your children about the changes in your family and about everyone’s feelings

Create a regular space, like family meetings or chats in the car, where your children have the opportunity to talk about their concerns and you can keep them informed about any new developments. Be prepared for those tough questions about dad or the new living arrangements.

Your children’s reactions

Children can find it difficult to cope with their emotions. That’s why they tend to ‘act out’ when they are upset. Allow some room for this, and reflect back to your children what you think they may be feeling: “I can see you are upset” or “I can understand that this makes you feel sad.” Children can feel reassured if you acknowledge that this is a difficult time and that their reactions are to be expected. Sometimes children need someone other than you to talk to.

Encourage your children to talk to another trusted adult: a friend, an aunt/uncle/cousin or a grandparent. The important thing is that they have the opportunity to talk. If you feel your children’s behaviour is getting out of control, use some positive discipline strategies. When things are calm, talk to your children about their behaviour. Speaking to a professional can also help.

Talking about your own issues

Your feelings

Your children are bound to see you feeling sad, angry or upset. Tell your children that you love them and that the way you are feeling is not about them. Reassure them that things will get better.

If your children are old enough to understand, be honest about what is bothering you without going into detail. For example, “I had a bad day at work today, I’m in a crummy mood,” or “I blew it. I’m sorry I made a mistake.” Expressing your feelings also gives kids permission to express their own.

Adult concerns

It’s easy to fall into the habit of discussing adult issues with your children. But burdening them with adult responsibilities and worries expects children to be mature beyond their years. Some adult problems – like financial concerns – can make children feel anxious. As a general rule, adult issues should stay out of the discussion. Creating your own support networks, with adults you can talk things over with, will make it easier for you to shield your children from adult concerns.

What to say about dad

There is no simple answer to the complicated issue of what you say about dad. The strategy that will best help your children is to try to stay positive, friendly and non-judgmental, whatever the circumstances. Resist letting off steam about your children’s dad in front of them. This frees your children from having to take sides and reduces the amount of conflict in their lives. Being non-judgmental also gives your children an opportunity to talk about their dad without feeling uncomfortable.

If dad does not turn up for an expected visit, just stick to the facts. Say something like: “Dad is not coming today, so you and I are going to play instead.”

 

Parent Update will post extracts from Single Mothers: a resource for parenting solo over the next two issues. For more information or to download a copy of the publication, visit Single Mothers Resource